5 Ways to “Feel the Feels” After Pregnancy Loss
By Dr. Alli Chisholm, PT, DPT
“Inhale, ‘I am’… Exhale ‘loved’,” the yoga teacher instructed as I contorted my body into a position meant to release tension in my hips.
As I closed my eyes, slowly melted into the pose, mentally said “I am… loved” on my in and out breath, in my mind’s eye, I saw myself lighting a candle…
One for Rory, one for Freya, and one for the baby we didn’t get to name before they were gone.
And in that moment, I felt the tears well up and spill over, tear tracks running down my cheeks, going through a fresh round of grief as the physical tension was released from my body.
On the way home, as I let the verbal sobs erupt, I asked myself “why now?”
Because it had been almost 3 weeks since we found out that our baby who had been growing inside me for 15 weeks… no longer had a heartbeat.
So “why now”? For so many reasons. After going through the initial shock and grief phases, I tried what I had done with previous losses: wake up for the day, check the boxes, go to work, clean, make dinner.
But I failed. I couldn’t do it this time. The emotions kept bubbling up in the most unexpected of times. The dam had finally burst after so long of numbing myself throughout my life.
So again, “why now?”
I realized I wasn’t asking this with judgment, but curiosity. I no longer approached this question with the backstory that I “should” be okay now, but more so, where do I go from here?
While I continue to ponder and ask that question, I wanted to share with you five ways I’ve actually been allowing myself to feel all the feels this time around. Without judgment and with the utmost compassion:
Hug your earth-side babies. ESPECIALLY when they’re going through deep feels of their own. This level of connection is going to co-regulate both you and your littles’ nervous systems (trust me, I’ve had firsthand experience this past week. Take a peek at this IG post for the full story).
And if you don’t have littles of your own yet to squeeze? Kiss your dog, nuzzle your partner, or - and I’m being serious - hug a freaking tree (not to say that this will fix your problem, but I did this at a retreat and the level of catharsis and grounding I felt was deeply unexpected).
Journal. I know it can be hard to actually sit down and do this, but even setting a timer for 5 minutes when you can lock yourself in your room, put some focus or meditation music on on your headphones (and yes, I linked the playlist I was listening to the other day to get some work done 😅), and either free write, or find some prompts to get you started.
Movement. Seriously, nothing helps to reset your nervous system and aid in all the emotions to move unencumbered through your body more than movement that YOU enjoy: this could be going for a short walk around your neighborhood, following a yoga video on YouTube, or putting on a pump up playlist while following a Pinterest strength-training workout. It doesn’t have to be intense, but it can be if that’s what your body is craving.
Listening to music that matches your emotions. Not only can this be incredibly validating, but this can also really help to let you really FEEL those emotions that you may be keeping locked inside, especially if you’re someone like me who numbs herself by staying busy and actually letting herself feel. FEEL, my friend. Then put on some uplifting music to help you rise again, to elevate you just a little bit so you’re not staying STUCK in those feelings day in and day out.
Don’t hold back. Similar to above, instead of holding back the tears, really allow yourself to dig in, in whatever way is most helpful to you. That could music, that could be a yin yoga sequence that releases the tension in your body and, in turn, the emotions you may be holding in your joints as well, it could be a heartfelt hug with your partner, or sitting in a meditation. Whatever it is for you, allow those emotions to surface because if they don’t, the top will blow eventually and you’ll be FORCED to feel (trust me, I have firsthand experience with this one!).
Oh, and when someone asks you if you’re doing okay? It’s 100% okay to say “thank you for asking and no, actually, I’m not” and get into it if you’d like to, or cut off the conversation there.
And as a reminder:
You’ve got this (even when you think you don’t).
You’re not alone.
And you are so FREAKING loved.
Sending you so much love,
Dr. Alli